From time to time it is useful to step aside and look at your life from a different point of view. What happens and what is not and why? Can you change something? Experts help us answer important life questions.
Clinical psychologist David Van der Want says that asking yourself questions are very useful, although most do this only in crisis situations. At the same time, thinking about life, we usually evaluate the situations just as good or bad: “I am bored in marriage”, “I hate my work” ..
“We very often automatically believe that everything that is pleasant to us is good for us, and all the unpleasant should be avoided,” the psychologist says. In fact, much of the “pleasant” can be destructive, and “unpleasant” often can give a lot. “In the dark, something is hidden that wants to break into the light, something that can transform us,” says Van Der Want.
To live a full -fledged, filled with life, it is important to be able to look at reality from different angles – and from the point of view of different people. Experts will help to better understand the four most important aspects of life.
1. Personal life
Understand that relations with a partner allow you to find out about you, and try to solve old problems.
What do I feel about my current position (without a partner, in a relationship, in marriage)?
What I like in myself as part of a relationship with a partner?
What I do not like in myself as part of a relationship with a partner?
What aspects of relations cause discomfort? (Money, sex.)
Ready to take care of the well -being of a partner, while not sacrificing my own well -being?
Do I like what pair we will form?
Whether we are listening to each other’s needs?
Expert’s opinion
Is it true that the purpose of building relationships is to make yourself happy? Clinical psychologist David van der wontom doubts. For him, "Relations are a lot of mirrors. We see how some aspects of ourselves are reflected in a partner, as in the mirror, and then we begin to “throw stones” into this mirror, thinking: “These relations do not suit me, because he/she …”
Instead of evaluating how much joy and happiness you are brought to you, it will be more useful to ask: “How these relations help me better understand my own life path – where am I coming from, where am I now and where I am going to go?"
Discomfort does not necessarily indicate problems. It can be considered as an opportunity to better recognize yourself and an invitation to explore a new, unknown territory within the framework of relations.
Discontent allows you to comprehend experience from childhood, which manifests itself again
Ask yourself: “What causes me https://globalpharmacy24.com/drug/cenforce-soft discomfort?»Focus on yourself, not on the seeming shortcomings of a partner. Ask yourself: “What or whom this person reminds me? When I already had to experience such feelings?"
The usual situations – even as painful as the emotional inaccessibility of the partner – give a feeling of comfort and security, and changes can be frightened. Try to identify such repeated templates and ask yourself: “What this situation tells me about itself? What hidden benefit it gives me? What will happen if the situation changes?"
“You can break your relationship because you are dissatisfied. But without dealing with all questions, you risk encountering the same problems the next time, ”says David Van der Want.
In our culture, a spouse is considered to be a parent at the same time as a parent, a friend, brother or sister and confessor. In fact, one person is not able to fulfill all these roles. If some aspect of the relationship leaves you unsatisfied, ask yourself: “Will I even expect this from a relationship with a partner?"
What to do?
Write to yourself or partner an honest letter, but do not send it. Write by hand, this is allowed to slow down automatically arising thoughts. In a letter, try to answer the questions: “What these relations mean for me at the moment? What actually mean my feelings of abandonment, lack of attention, “lack of air”?"
Discuss these problems with a partner, avoiding accusations (instead of “you forever …” say “I feel like …”). Everyone can offer ways to better satisfy the needs and needs of another (to communicate differently? Plan a joint pastime?).
If you decide to break off relationships, do it consciously. Even if the partner contributed to the breakdown of relations with his behavior, admit how much his presence in your life meant. This will help not leave unresolved problems.
2. Job
Does you arrange your current place of work? Isn’t it time to change the place or at least change the regime?
How much time every week I devote to work, social life, myself?
What was most important to me in work at the beginning of my career: recognition, income, interest, creative aspect, communication, leadership? And what is more important at the moment?
What is the situation during my career motivated me the most and why? What situation was most undermined by motivation and why?
What five aspects are most important for me in any work? How satisfied I am the current situation for each of these criteria?
Expert’s opinion
“Work is a huge part of life. Dissatisfaction with work can easily spread to other aspects of life, so it is very important to maintain the right balance, ”says the psychologist-consultant Nanett Tredo.
If, answering questions, you realized that priorities in work have changed a lot over time, adjustments will be required. “Values and priorities are changing over time,” explains Nanett Tredo. For example, at the beginning of his career, ambitiousness and a thirst for money are quite normal. But over time, something else should come to the fore, otherwise stagnation and other aspects of life will begin to suffer-family, relations with friends.
It is not necessary to plan a complete change of work, it may well be enough to change the place, position or regime. “Perhaps you realize that the role that you are currently fulfilled at the moment, and that it does not meet your personal needs and therefore it is time to move on,” says Nanett Tredo.
Remembering the situations that gave strength or deprived them, focus on the whole career, and not just in recent events
“Think carefully why these situations had such an influence,” says Nanett Tredo. At the same time, try to divide the problems related to communication with colleagues, and work as such: your priorities, creative aspect, work satisfaction, status, earnings.
Ask yourself: “What pleases me at work?"," What else I need to learn to make steel more competent?"," What do I get from this work?" (money? confession?). “What is I missing at this work?"(Team support? Independence?). Realizing this, you can move on to specific actions.
For example, if it is important for you to benefit society, can you participate in the social projects of the company? Maybe you should think about volunteering in a charity organization on the weekend? Work can bring satisfaction, but only the work can not give you everything you need.
What to do?
Talk to someone you trust-it can be a psychotherapist, friend, spiritual mentor. Discussing your work with another, you can better see your weaknesses and strengths and understand what you need for happiness.
Decide on your role at work. Talk to the boss and ask to clearly list your responsibilities and the required skills. Check how exactly the quality of your work is evaluated. A clear understanding of all these aspects will give a feeling of reliability and meaningfulness.
Start with small changes. For example, go through a conflict resolution training or stress management or consult an expert on how to dress correctly. This will help restore balance. If such measures do not help, try to consult a psychologist specializing in labor psychology. If you plan radical changes, you should talk with a coach or psychotherapist.
Any, even welcome changes bring stress. If you are preparing correctly, you will successfully overcome the transition period and adapt to the new situation.
3. Relationship
Our personal story affects relations with friends, relatives and colleagues. To change something, it is important to identify the problems that are still from childhood.
- What relations with relatives and brothers and sisters I had in childhood? Could I express my feelings?
- What impression about me usually develops in people?
- Is it consistent with its own way?
- What common topics are constantly popping up in my relationship with people?
- Am I satisfied with my behavior in relations with people? (Are I ready to listen, help? Am I inclined to condemn? Obey? Envy?)
- When I express my opinion, are those who others are ready to listen and take seriously?
Expert’s opinion
Our view of the world and on ourselves is formed in childhood, explains the clinical psychologist Ruth Evzer. “The first months of a child’s life can leave a mark on the whole future life. If they cared about him properly, it teaches him that the world is safe, ”she says. If you were deprived of such care, it will probably be difficult for you to trust others. This could happen if, for example, the mother suffered from postpartum depression and there was no one nearby who could help her take care.
If in childhood you observed the destructive behavior of others in conflict situations, then perhaps in adulthood you will either try to avoid conflicts, or on the contrary, love to scandal. According to Ruth Enzers, such trends are often transferred to other relationships.
Self -esteem affects relationships. If everything is in order with her, you will not make far -reaching conclusions about yourself only because a friend forgot about your birthday
“Realize what ideas you were inspired in childhood,” says Ruth Enzers. If you have failed, whether others related to this calmly? Or only achievements were required? Or maybe it was understood that you are not able to achieve success?
Try to identify topics that constantly pop up in relations with people. If someone once dropped: “You are such an egoist!"Perhaps the reason lies in his own problems. But if you have heard this from many, most likely, the problem is in you. Ask yourself: “What are my unconscious actions cause a similar reaction?"
“In the family we get roles (for example,“ scapegoat ”) and continue to play, even if it causes a lot of suffering”. But even if the attitude from others does not change, we can change our reaction to it. Realize what role you were “appointed” to play, and think about whether she suits you. If it is difficult to do it yourself, consult with a psychotherapist.
What to do?
Try to find out in the most in detail what was the emotional climate in the family where you grew up. Change the communication style – and the attitude of others will also change. Use phrases of the type “It seems to me that we are not spending time together” instead of “you always do not have enough time to meet”.
Train the Asserticism – be able to defend your rights, while respecting and not violating the rights of others.
If you endure criticism normally, ask several people “opinions from the outside”, say: “I try to understand how I look in the eyes of others. It seems to me that I look too shy (or aggressive, pressing). This is so?»Try to listen to any possible answer as openly and calmly as possible.